Public Service Announcement: Stay Away From the Squirrels

Don't think that squirrel isn't sneaking up on her...

To the lady in this most-unflattering rearview shot, I apologize, but a public service announcement needs to be made and you were unfortunate enough to be in my way...

Let be known that the Cape Meares, Oregon, squirrels are psychotic and crazy!  To all who with plans to every visit there, I plead with you to heed this warning.  They will not be afraid of you.  No amount of shooing or pretend-cawing or stamping or running away is going to deter them.  They want your food and your sandal-clad toes and aren't going to stop at any cost.

Don't bring a picnic lunch with the idyllic dream of sitting on this beautiful bench overlooking the most beautiful ocean view you've ever seen.  They will jump up behind you and stick their paws straight into your yogurt.

Don't give your kids anything.  Period. No food.  What kid have you ever met that doesn't drop their food on the ground while they're eating.  Let them eat and you're guaranteed to have rodents crawling over their own sandal-clad feet trying to get what's underneath.  Which leads us to my next advice...

Forget all notions you have of teaching your children that all God's creations need  love.  You need to share every horrible story you know about rabies and scabies and squirrels having babies.  Put the fear in them before they reach down and try to pet the very creature that's giving you clinical anxiety.

Do not think you'll be safe in the car.  Think about it.  Vacation, children, fast food addiction.  Your car is a ticking time bomb for squirrels with erratic behavior.  Open a door even a smidgen and you've invited in the entire crazy squirrel family.

And last but not least,

Leave your non-thinking, sleep-deprived, fairy tale tourist brain at home!  (This may also be loosely translated as your elderly)  Would you run out in your backyard shaking Ho-Ho's and peanut butter sandwich crumbs at the animals creeping through your trees?  If they were fat enough to carry away your youngest child (or grandchild), does it really seem like they need to have any more?  And if you see a frazzled mother running away from something with 4 kids in arms, could you maybe stop to see what's stalking her, rather than calling out, "Honey, Dear, KARL, here it comes, take my picture!"

Maybe I  write with too much emotion.  I didn't have any warning of the danger and peril I would be putting my family in on an innocent side trip to the sea.  There were no signs posted and no kind strangers giving the signal to beware.  Take it as my duty, to warn you, that the Cape Meares squirrels are not to be reckoned with.  This is my testimony:  If you get to close, they WILL try to carry you away!